I can see it in your eyes when you ask if the cancer is gone.
You are so hopeful.
I know that what you want to hear me say is that it is gone.
That it is gone forever
and that it will never ever ever come back again.
So I tell you what I know.
I tell you I am well now.
But as far as the cancer coming back?
I don't know.
Even the doctor's don't.
That is why I have to keep seeing them.
That is why there are so many appointments these days.
All of those appointments don't help you feel like I am well.
I understand that.
But try to remember.
These doctors have done a good job of taking care of me in this.
And I know they are keeping a good eye on me now.
Just in case.
But for now, let's not dwell on the "just in case".
There aren't enough moments in our lives to waste a single one of them that way.
We can leave that up to the doctors to think about.
We need to think about getting back to living life like we used to.
Before everything changed.
Things are different since the cancer.
And sometimes we just really miss the way things used to be.
I understand that and it makes me sad too.
I get tired a lot faster.
My feet feel weird and my brain doesn't work so well.
There are some who say this brain of mine always has been a little odd..even before chemo!
(Remember where we found my phone that time? In the fridge?)
I wish it wasn't like that.
I wish life could be exactly as it was before all of the hard things happened.
But life doesn't always stay the same for anybody.
And the fact is that our life is different and will probably never be the way we remember it again.
But guess what.
I can still be happy because it is still life.
And I am so thrilled to be living it with you.
There are too many courageous women I know of who aren't here
even though they did the very same things I did ...
for the very same reasons!
They did them in order to be able to be here.
No one can say why it didn't work for them.
It makes it more important to me now.
To get this right..
I may not be able to do things like I did before cancer,
but there are so many things that I can do!
The main thing for me is that I can still enjoy you.
I can watch with amazement as I see the person you are becoming.
And be so thankful to see you trusting God in your life.
I can always love you
I can have long chats with you and I can sit with you and read to you.
I can even listen with amazement while you read to me.
I can laugh with you.
And be sad with you.
I love seeing your excitement at watching lizards race and finding rainbows on the hallway floor!
And what could possibly take the place of sharing your excitement over a lost tooth!
I simply adore the twinkle in your eyes and dimples on your cheeks.
And those freckles sprinkled across your nose?
My heart gets happy to hear you explain everything that I need to know
about Doctor Who and Pokemon.
I love that I get to watch you put that really tough Lego set together
and celebrate with you when it is complete..
You make me so proud to be able to marvel at your creativity.
And cheer for you in your soccer games.
I love that I can still be your biggest admirer
(though there are others who insist that role belongs to them).
I am delighted that I can answer your silly texts in the middle of the night.
While my eyelids fight to close again.
Even when you say I'm a corndog.
( I can imagine you at the other end giggling away. )
Never doubt that I consider it an honor to be able to pray for you.
And that I do pray for you.
Even though this life is not happening the way we would have chosen...it is life.
And I am thankful for every moment!
Every wonderful moment of this amazing grace filled life that I get to live with you.
Looking forward to more of the moments. Years full of them!
Ready to enjoy life no matter what is ahead.
Because this life is a gift.