Saturday, January 30, 2016

On Suffering Well




Oh my goodness!  I do not suffer well...

I love the peaceful places, the safe.

Pretty much my whole life has been lived there.

In peaceful and safe places.

And that was just fine with me.


To live life in the place where I could know what was expected of me.

Where I could handle anything that might come my way.

I did not want my story to take place anywhere that I could not get a grip on the situation.


Did not want my story set in a place where I might find the ground I stood on was not so sturdy.

Safe.

But that's not the way God works.


And to be honest, some people's stories just make me nervous.  


Maybe it is a fear of weakness... of admitting that there are some things I just can't do.

Weakness : the state or condition of lacking strength 

The stories that encouraged me most were the ones that ended in victory. 

The ones where we see the end now and it's beautiful.

They still encourage me.  The stories of weakness bother me.

The hymn writer who can never get to the place where he accepts that He is loved by the God to whom He writes his songs of praise.

Artists, writers, moms and dads.  People we know.  People who suffer real stuff.

Too often we think weakness has no place here.  
But we are all weak, even when we think we are so strong...

I have said before that we learn it as children...
Jesus loves me.  I know it because He said so.
He loved me even when I am weak.
It's ok because He is strong.
And little ones belong to Him.

A song for little ones.

When did we grow up?

I am still so very little...

I remember the first time I was aware of this discomfort with weakness.

Our family was watching baseball; not just any baseball.
Atlanta Braves baseball!

It was the Miracle Season and we were brand new major league fans.  Brand new Braves fans!

We started collecting baseball cards, and I became interested in the stories of players who shared their faith.  

Players who would be good role models for my children.

People who knew how to achieve hard things.  Strong people.

There was one baseball player whose story attracted our attention in a big way.  His name was Dave Dravecky.

He was a pitcher for the Giants.

Cancer was a part of his story, and of all places to have cancer it was found in his pitching arm. 
After surgery on his arm that removed a large part of his muscle and froze the bone, he was not expected to ever pitch again.

This could have been a sad end.

But God had other plans and there was a great celebration when he was able to come back.

I loved his testimony.

It was a story of strength.

Of victory.


Then his story took an unexpected change.  

In the middle of pitching a game, just as he threw the pitch, his arm broke.
You could hear it in the stadium.
He collapsed on the pitcher's mound in great pain.
At some point it was discovered that his cancer had returned.  

Years were spent trying to stop the disease, but he ended up having his arm amputated.

This kind of left me feeling as if I'd been sucker punched.

I didn't realize it at the time, but it revealed an embarrassment that I felt toward weakness.

It even made me ask why a God who could heal and did heal, would allow the story to end this way?


Years later, I heard his wife speak about what their story had looked like during the years after.

She spoke about suffering.
About going through hard.
About times of depression.
She said she did not "suffer well".

I thought a lot about this not suffering well.

I wondered at the time, what did I expect from someone who was suffering?

How does one suffer well?

When we hear that someone has suffered in some way, what do we expect from them?

For me, the answer to that question was easy.

If God was allowing a Christian to suffer, then it had to end well.

That is what I expected then and what I wanted.

And honestly, I still do.

But I just no longer expect to see the victory here... on this earth.

Yes I expect victory.
Just not here.
Not now.

I can wait for the happy ending.

Weakness in someone's story does not embarrass me now.

But weakness in my own story?

I keep finding myself trying to portray a stronger reality than exists.

Recently I was reminded of the fact that I can not even become a Christian in my own strength.

I had no problems admitting my weakness and need in the area of my salvation.

But this living life in His strength day to day?

"Not necessary God.  I've got this"

I thought I needed to have this...

So it meant I was content staying in my safe place.

Where there was no room for disease, or hurt, or loss ... or weakness.

And then my strength failed.  Collapsed!

It had to happen.

The belief that my goodness was what kept my life in a good place?
It showed a flawed view of God.

God was and is immeasurably good.

He has given me so much in this life that is good.

And none of it was given because I deserved it or that I had earned it.

All of it was grace.  All of it is grace. Every bit.

So when the pain doesn't end?  When the hard is harder?

He does not expect us to be the strong ones here.  Neither should we.


But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  
(I Cor. 12:9 NIV)


All of the good that is in our lives?

It is a gift of a good and personal God who loves us more than we could ever deserve.

"Do not fear (anything), for I am with you;
 Do not be afraid, for I am your God.
 I will strengthen you, be assured I will help you;
 I will certainly take hold of you with My righteous right hand
 (a hand of justice, of power, of victory, of salvation).  (Isaiah 41:10 Amp.)


When I came to a place where I had to admit my own weakness,
He showed me that He had me.

While things may have looked pretty dismal,
there was comfort in the realization that He had it in His control.

While I felt I could not get a foothold to stand on, He held me.

The strength that I thought I needed so that He would look glorious?
Not necessary.

He looks magnificently glorious without any help from me.

But thankfully,  there are times when he uses us broken vessels as the means for His glory to shine.

It is Him.  Not us.

At the time I did not understand the story of broken and weakness that I saw displayed by the Dravecky's as they were going through the things they did...

But because they took off their mask and admitted their weakness, their story has become one that I love greatly.

The story I shunned is one I need now.

They did not hide.  They did not run away.

They trusted their God.

They used their story of broken and weak to reach out to others who were also broken.

And also weak.

People who needed to know that they were not abandoned by a loving God, but were held.

Held closer.

They are people who understand the writer of their story has a beautiful ending.

The best part is not yet revealed, but we will know it one day.

Not here, but in that place where "safe" is the reality for all of those who place their trust in our strong and trustworthy, good God.











Wednesday, January 13, 2016

When You Can't Be Still



Something about having to stay still makes staying still nearly impossible for me 

Like in an MRI machine.

Don't get me wrong.
Those machines are amazing and I am very grateful to live in an age where they exist.
Where these amazing tools can be used to see things that could otherwise be missed.

Thankful that Doctors have them available to help in treating disease.



I just have a hard time being still on purpose.



I was in that Clanking Tube, the MRI machine,  this past weekend.
It was a quickly scheduled test
so that the results would be available in time for an appointment that was already scheduled.


I have been in that tube so many times I have it all down.
I know just what to do to be able to get in, get it done and get out quickly.

I have everything perfected except that one thing.

Being Still


When they say that it is time for me to be still... my mind goes into hyperdrive.

And it isn't long before I am conscious of every move I make.
The up and down of my chest as I breathe.
The twitch of every muscle, movement of my eyes or the urge to swallow.
Do I swallow or try not to?


I've tried things to help but only one thing comes close to making it easier to focus my attention on something other than my involuntary movements.

It is music.

Music has always been important to me and there are songs that I have journeyed with during some rough times that still mean much to me.

Experience with these clanking tubes has helped me realize that even here...
music can help keep my mind occupied.

But this time I forgot to bring my own music.

While the technician helped me get into the correct position, she asked me if I would like to listen to some music.

"Yes"

"What kind?"

"Do you have Christian?"

"Yes. Contemporary Christian ok?"

"Yes.  Thank you."


When everyone was ready, the test began.

There was one small problem.  I could barely hear the music.

I don't remember all I did to take my mind off swallowing.

I tried to mentally silently hum some of my favorite songs.

It is so hard to think of any particular song when the noise around you manufactures its own soundtrack.
And an MRI machine definitely provides its own soundtrack.

bang bang bang bang

whirrrrrrrrr

bump-bump-bump  bump-bump-bump

The machine really just seems to have its own mind

and right at the time you come up with a song to match the rhythm of the bumping
it changes.

Wait...
"Did I really just move my eyes?"

"Will that swallow be a problem?"

"My hand... can I move my hand? The needle is hurting..."
Now there was a new distraction!
Positioned at the base of my thumb, the needle pressed against something that caused a dull pain to slowly increase until it was the only thing that I could think about.

Be still, be still, be still...

The tech's voice came through the headphones and told me she would be in right away to start the IV.

The bed moved and I could hear walking nearby.
Relief would be soon coming.

She finished the IV Contrast and asked if I was doing ok while she removed the IV needle.
Small things can make you very happy at times like this.
Small things make the people who are taking care of you heroes that are larger than life.
I have seen it again and again here in this place.
In every place where people take care of those who hurt and are sick.

Kindness always shows up and it always makes your world a better place.

She asked if the volume was ok on the music.

When we were ready to start again, she increased the volume for me.

To my surprise... in just the first three notes, I recognized the next song.   As the machine kicked into gear, I could still hear every word.  Words I had not paid much attention to in a long time, but in the narrow confines of this machine, every word took on new meaning.

I was completely wrapped up in the words, and so thankful to know these things as reality.
To know the God the song was about, and to know that He cared for me and was caring for me right then and there in that machine.
The place it is easy to forget that I am never alone.

What a blessing was that stillness as he brought them safely into harbor! 
Psalm 107:30 (NLT)

The song could not have been more perfect.

The lyrics went deep, and I felt securely held.
I was lost in the song and words and the message.

I even forgot that my hand had been hurting.

until...I became aware of a different sensation.

"I wonder if that tear rolling down my cheek is going to be a problem..."






The next morning bright and early I was in the office of my oncologist.
The MRI results are clear... and these blood tests look good!
I think we can wait for three months to see you here again.
Actually, lets make it six!

_____________________

God often asks us to be still.
To focus our hearts and minds on Him
But there are so many distractions around us, it can be awfully hard.

Decide that you will make a place where you can be still.
 A place where you can open your Bible and meet Him
Get into your place each day and wait on Him.
To hear His still small voice in the loud clanking and banging of your day.

I am still amazed at how much it is worth it.

_____________________


My Top Ten Song list for the next meet up with the Clanking Tube

1) The Power of a Great Affection (Andrew Peterson)
2) Even This Will be Made Beautiful (Jason Gray)
3) Barocha (Michael Card)
4) O Love That Will Not Let Me Go (Indelible Grace Music)
5) Beside Still Waters (Richard Dillon)
6) But For You Who Fear My Name (The Welcome Wagon)
7) Be Still and Know (Steven Curtis Chapman)
8) Come Lift Up Your Sorrows (MIchael Card)
9) He Will Give the Weary Strength (Ellie Holcomb)
10) Hung the Moon (the Uh Huh Song) (Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors)
11) In Feast or Fallow (Sandra McCracken)
12) Have Your Eyes Open (Christa Wells)
13) Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole)
14) Broken Bread (Rend Collective)
15)O How Good It Is (Keith & Kristyn Getty)