Let's Just Face It

I was talking with a friend recently about a book.  

She said that she almost didn’t read it… that she thought it would be too sad.  

I knew what she meant.  I have been there. A lot.

Sometimes it was a book… sometimes it was a situation.

And I learned there are times when it is in the doing that you learn the most about facing your fears.

(She read the book and said that she was surprised to find it wasn’t sad at all…and she loved it)

What about the times you are afraid that when you show up at work on Monday,
you will be told that they don't need you on Tuesday.
Or any other day.

Fear has been a real problem for me.
I even had a dog that was afraid of his reflection in a mirror.

If I could, I would control my life and the lives of those I love so that none of us would ever have to know fear.

Ever.

Never have to be weak, never have to struggle, never have to show our need or brokenness.

I pray that way.

I pray for people to be safe while travelling, I pray for them to stay well, get better.

Survive.

I pray for safe and I pray for uncomplicated lives.

I do.
I probably won’t stop praying that way either.

We are all living with the effects of a fallen world,
so I will pray that the hard reality we see in this world is reversed.

Just maybe this time.

Pray that the broken is fixed, that the sick are healed and that the miracle is not just something in dreams.

With that said, I should let you know that I look at things differently now.

I am learning for myself, that when faced with something that will cost me; something hard?

The best thing I can do?

Just show up for whatever it is that He has for me.

Open my hands, and say yes.

Trust that He is faithful.

That He is with me. 

And He will help me in the thing that I fear.

I will still pray for the safe way, but I will also rest in His way. 
Whatever His way is.

That He is holding me and that my good is found only in His nearness. 

Not in any other thing.

Not in the easy or safe things in this life.

Nothing.

Because His nearness?  That is what I really want.

I can say that now, but it took a long time to get to that place.

A long time to understand that no matter what it is
It doesn't scare Him in the least.

I know that I may forget that...
I DO forget that.

But I hope not.
I hope I will always be assured of my goodness in His nearness.

His nearness more than any perceived safety or cure.

This change in my attitude has been mostly by baby steps.

I know there have been changes because I see them in journals.

Before I started keeping a gratitude list, I wrote down notes in other places.
Mostly sermon notes with my comments or prayer journals.

But over time I can look back and see my growth in trusting Him with the things that made me afraid.

In the summer of 2013
- just after hearing that I had "some kind" of cancer, I wrote these words.

“I have cancer. I do.  
God is not surprised.  I am…

We do not know where this cancer is coming from, but God does and He is the one leading the doctors, so I know if He intends for them to find it, they will.  
And if they don’t then it hasn’t shocked Him or taken Him by surprise!  
He knows.

And He loves us.

So much more than we deserve.

Feelings I have?

Confidence in a good God, Love for my family, appreciation for the little things… like moments, a peace and a joy that defy explanation.  I just am trusting Him to take care of us in whatever way He chooses.

Feelings I don’t have?

Fear.  Anger.  Frustration.

I am sad.  I have cried.  I am not looking forward to the treatment of this disease, or how it will affect the people that I love. I am not looking forward to losing my hair of any of the other terrible side effects that you always hear about…

But I am not afraid.”

That last comment?

That last comment is only possible because of Him.
He has always been trustworthy.

I think as I pray for myself and others now?

As I continue to pray for safety and wellness and miracles?

I will add…

And Father, please help him to be brave in each thing that You allow into his life. 

Stay close to her as she depends on You for each step.

Please provide them the strength that is impossible without You.

And lead us all… In Your paths of righteousness… for Your names sake,

So that even when we go through dark valleys?

We will not be afraid… because You are with us.

Thoughts on a Certain Redhead

I remember the first time I saw him...

I was sitting on the second row in my Sunday School class when in he walked.  

He wore a uniform, but that was not the thing that got my attention.

It was his red hair.

My dad had red hair.  A deep rich auburn.

And my mother said she always hoped that God would give her a red haired son.

A little red haired boy with freckles.

She had four girls. Sorry mom.

She moved on to Plan B ... and let us know that she hoped one of us would marry someone with red hair so maybe she could have some red haired grandchildren!

And I, always eager to please...

I went home and told her that I had found the person that I was going to marry.

I didn't give it another thought.

Until the day his family joined our church.  

They were moving their letter for membership, and at that time, when you joined the church, you were introduced to the church by the pastor.

We were sitting in the balcony that morning, and my dad leaned over and said, "Surely one of you girls can get one of those boys..."

  I still didn't think a lot more about it.  

I was much too shy, and he didn't seem to know a stranger.  

All that changed one Sunday morning.  His father and brothers sang a quartet and I was smitten.

His voice ... sigh. 

Not sure if it was the Holy Spirit that moved me, or the goose bumps.

Our Pastor had said to be careful who you date because when the love bug bites...

Well, I had been bitten.

For the next three years that we dated, it was on again and off again.  More off than on.

I'm not really even sure you would call it dating.

Most of the time he was giving  me rides to meet with our friends for pizza or fellowships in someone's home on Sunday nights.

Until that one day when I got the letter.

He was asking me for a real bonafide date!

Actually, he asked "to reserve a time of fellowship" with me.

I agreed ... hesitantly (yeah, right) and we made plans to have a picnic at Ft. Clinch.

(my dad teased, "You're going to the Fort and what???")

The day we had our date, I was terrified! 

If I said three words together in a sentence, I don't remember.

But I was on cloud nine!!  And everything he did impressed me.

Even when he ran ahead of me and I couldn't find him anywhere.

Suddenly he jumped out from behind a building and scared me silly!!

(Do you know, he still likes to do that?  Only now he does it with our grandson!  Twice the scare!)

And, oh, his smile?  His eyes?  

I melted (sigh). 

I still melt.

Then one day, there was another letter.

This one where he proposed!

,,,Yes he did.

I was at work, and called home to see if I'd gotten a letter.  

When my mom told me there was one there, I asked her to open the letter and read it to me!!!

,,,Yes I did!

Then I left work, drove home and got the letter so that I could read it for myself!!

"We will get married if it's all right with you" he said.

And he signed it, "love you next to Jesus"

We are coming up on 41 years.  Nine years from the goal of 50 that  I told my oncologist when she asked if I had goals.  

Twenty nine from the one Bud said he'd set.

I am so thankful that my mom wanted a red haired son, 

that I didn't miss Sunday School that Sunday 

and that my dad pointed him out to me with the teasing request to "get him".  

I am so glad that he was such a talker because I would have never had a conversation with him otherwise.  

I am thankful for that smile and for his eyes!

I love his voice and the way it soothes my anxious heart.

For the way I woke up the other morning to find a blanket spread across my feet and legs.

For his whistle.

For the way he says, "You know you're loved, don't you?"

And Oh! I am so thankful for the sound of his laughter ...

There has been so much in my life that has been made richer because he was in it.

There has been so much in my life that would never have been had he not been.

This has been a good life for us.

It has not always been an easy one.

But there has been more than a lifetime of beauty and wonder and joy.

.......

Just thinking about this man today and how God has blessed me by him.

On Buzzards and Sparrows

"If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough"

possibly said by Albert Einstein, but embraced by me

That probably explains it.

Why I keep talking so much about my gratitude list. Perhaps, it is because I don't understand it.

I don't understand how a simple thank you can have such a far reaching effect in my life.

And my faith.

Being grateful is just the expected response of someone who has been given a gift.

I have been on the receiving end.  

Of kindness shown.

Of love shared.

Some gifts have been small and but also there have been gifts that were simply grand.

I expressed my thanks to the ones who gave the gift.

I did this because I want to recognize the gift as a gift enjoyed, 

but also to recognize the love shown by the giver.

God is the giver of gifts.

Good gifts.

Just because He loves us.

How do we miss them?  How can we not thank Him for each one that He sends our way?

Showing us His love in small and also grand.

If I don't acknowledge this, then I am the one missing out.

See, He doesn't need our thanks, yet He tells us to be thankful.

It is for us that He tells us to do this. 

It is for our own good that we are to be thankful.

You might think that keeping a gratitude list is not such an important thing to do.

And you might just be wrong. Being thankful is a huge thing.  

It is the opposite of discontentment, covetousness and pride.  

You can't be thankful out of an unkind heart.

Or when you are impatient, short tempered and rude.

This list of mine?  

It has things I recorded on days like that! 

But even more important in my own life, 

I find that we can't see His gifts and acknowledge Him as the Giver 

without also acknowledging His goodness and His love for us.

Go ahead. 

Try it.

Make a conscious effort to keep your eyes open for what God is doing in your day.

Some of the things I write are little.  Some are big.  

Some are sweet. Some profound.  

Some things are spiritual, and some things are oh so silly.  

But all of them lead me to Him, the One who loves me more.

The One who loves YOU more.

This list helps me get my mind off of myself.  Gets the focus on the One deserving my praise.

For example... the gift that is the first one on my list.

"A big black bird sitting on a lamp post.

As I drove under him - he spread out his beautiful wings 

and God spoke peace to my heart.

I will ... "take refuge under the shelter of Your wings"

This simple thing was the start for me.

The first gift listed of many more to come.

And for me, the one who lives so often under the illusion of control,

this was the all important first gift.

Something that I felt was beautiful enough to deserve to be listed first.

Not long after that, I discovered that this black bird was likely a buzzard of some sort!

Just being honest here, I still struggle with the appearance of things.  

Still struggle with the image.

And if I could, at the time, I think I would have changed it!

(I know! How prideful can you be?)

(Trust me...very.)

I decided that it didn't really matter because no one but me would ever know.  

Then an opportunity came up to share with some sweet ladies about the topic of gratitude 

and how this list had changed my life. 

And there it was again.  

A buzzard for my first gift?

I debated whether or not to include this ... but it was my first gift.

So I shared it but I could not bring myself to say that it was probably a buzzard.  

Really, I have discussed this with the Lord too many times over the last five years!

This morning, I had a different thought on the matter.

If He had put a tiny wren or a sparrow on that light pole, 

would I have even noticed the spread of its fragile wings?  

God knew I needed big wings that morning, and that was what He gave me.

Big wings.

Even if they were on a buzzard.

There are days I need to see Him strong caring for a weak tiny sparrow, and on those days I see it.

That He cares for us always, especially in our weaknesses.

So you may wonder why I am sharing this now.

Because of this one lesson learned from it.

That when something does not make sense at the time, He is taking care of us in it.  

Even when and if the something seems ugly to us.  Especially when it seems ugly to us.

No matter what... He is there with us.

And it's the with us that matters.

His nearness is our good.

In the pretty times and the not-so-pretty

times of life.

This list has reminded me of that.

Again.