On Gratitude

I shared the following devotional at Mom to Mom in November of 2011.   I am so thankful that counting His gifts to me, this keeping a gratitude list, was a habit in my life before I started into the testing days that followed in the years since!  His grace was meeting needs in many ways in my life long before I knew that I had those needs!

This gratitude list was just one of those ways

Psalm 19:1 tells us that the heavens declare the glory of God and the sky proclaims the work of His hand.

If you listened to Dr. Homer G. Lindsay, Jr. preach, then you know it would not be long before you would hear him talk about being thankful.  I have taken him up on his challenge to list 100 things to be thankful for.  He said it would be hard to do, and at first you would probably agree, but as you continued with it, you found it got much easier.

My first thank you list reached 100 things by naming Jesus, my salvation,  types of trees, types of flowers, types of dogs… you get the picture.

Later I started to use my senses for ideas.  I listed the sound of an orchestra, the way a diamond sparkles in the lights in our auditorium, the smell of a pie in the oven.

This year we were asked at church to keep a list of one thing a day to be thankful for.  The timing was perfect. My daughter had given me a beautiful journal for my birthday the year before and I was looking for something special for its use.  I also had just finished reading a book called “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp.

I wrote in a journal, “Things have really begun to turn around.  It started with a simple concept, thankfulness.  I began to list His gifts to me whatever they might be.  It was a new way of seeing.  A daily search for beauty…His beauty.”

And that is how it started, numbering His gifts as I became aware of them.

In "One Thousand Gifts", I was reminded that God has a lot to say about gratitude, beginning in Genesis with Adam and Eve in the garden, when their pride is revealed in their ingratitude for all God had given them and their focus turned to what they did not have.

I discovered that Daniel was not just a man of prayer who had a custom of praying three times a day, but that his custom was to pray three times a day “with thanksgiving”!

Even after he knew the decree was signed that could mean his death.

The list of sins in Romans 1, actually starts with the phrase, “neither were they thankful”.

I Thessalonians 5:18 tells us to give thanks in everything.  And when writing Ephesians 5:20, Paul added the instruction to give thanks at all times!

So I started my list:

#1) a big black bird sitting on a lamp post spread his wings out just as I drove under him, and God spoke to my heart.  Help me always seek refuge under the shelter of Your wings.

#41) sunshine breaking through gray clouds.

#89) stopping at a red light on the way to Dr. #2 with prescriptions from Dr. #1.  As I stop, I notice out the window a beautiful arrangement of wild daisies…

“He loves me” , never has “He loved me not”.

#122) Living close enough to the ocean that I can smell the salt water spray in the air.

#295) cool breeze through an open window kind of day.

#327) when my thoughts are shallow, His love for me is not any less deep.

#421) helping me let go; releasing control

#526) My husband’s “it will be ok” smile, even when we have no assurance that it will be ok.

#644) storms that pass

Yes, God is changing me through keeping this list.  I am learning so many new things through this one activity.  

It has strengthened the belief that God is always good, and that I am always loved.

Being so much more aware of His presence has affected my prayer life, in the things I pray for and the closeness of our my relationship with Him.

The gifts I list may seem small or trivial, but it is really the act of recognition of the gift Giver … and my love for Him is growing by leaps and bounds.

My trust in Him has grown too.  Even in the hard things.  I have found my questions decreasing and my desire for Him increasing.

I can see more and more how much effort and energy I waste in worry.  In fact, Ruth Bell Graham shared in one of her books that worry and worship can not occupy the same heart, and after all, isn't that what happens when I thank God for His gifts?  I worship Him?

Beth Moore calls them God STOPs (Savoring the Observable Presence).  Every day we have a choice.  We can see our surroundings through eyes of gratitude or with grumbling, but gratitude and grumbling cannot live together.  And when I feel an urge to complain or find fault, I have found it helpful to list ways that God has shown me His grace and thank Him … and the other feelings do not stay around long.

I believe that His is the only applause I need, and I am even depending less on finding approval in the opinion of others. 

I am certainly not where I want to be yet, but this practice of being thankful has brought changes into my life that I had never expected.

Let me encourage you to start a list if you don’t already do this. 

Use a spiral notebook for yourself, or put a piece of paper on a wall for a family list.   

Use a camera. Be intentional and look at your surroundings with a desire to see Him near.

As Ann Voskamp says, "to know how we can count on God, count His blessings…",

But in all honesty, there is only one. 

And it is Him.

                                                 _______________________

Henri Nouwen: 

"Perhaps nothing helps us make the movement from our little selves to a larger world than remembering God in gratitude.  Such a perspective puts God in view in all of life, not just in the moments we set aside for worship or spiritual disciplines.  Not just in the moments when life seems easy."

                                                     ________________________

Today, I wrote down my 5,000th gift. Looking back over this year, I read #4,784, which said,
"In the midst of hardness (mine), and searching for answers, God's grace showed up, and it was beautiful.

So, #5,000 is: Your grace.  Always there, always showing up and always enough.  More than enough. 

If you haven't read her book, One Thousand Gifts, you should look into it.

And if you don't keep a gratitude list of some sort... why not give it a try today?

                                             

April Loves

There are so many reasons to love April.

One of my so many reasons is that my chemo treatments ended last April and my hair started growing back.

Well, to be honest, I am not completely certain it is "my" hair that has been growing back.

Mine was mostly a mix of brown, auburn and silver. It was also straight.

This hair is mostly white, silver and black.  And it is curly!

It would appear that I have someone else's hair.

I'm not complaining though. I plan to keep it.

I would say I love it, but I learned long ago to save love for people.

But I really really do like my new hair.

On New Beginnings

I always love to see April come around.

Everywhere around you, it seems, you can see new starts, new beginnings.

When we lived in England, there was a field we passed where the lambs would be out, and seriously... bouncing in the fields!  I love April!

It is also the month that I first discovered the great love that Jesus has for me.

I had been taught that Jesus loved me, even as a child.  I heard that when He died on the cross, He died for me. 

I just did not see how it applied to me.

It wasn't that I lived a sinless life.  I still don't.

Maybe you struggle with sin yourself. 

Or maybe you don't. 

I lived each day under the impression that everyone would go to Heaven when they died and that sin was not a really big issue.

That somehow God would ignore the bad and focus on the good.

I thought that my good deeds were like bricks that would be used to build the mansion that would be my home.  I did not begin to think that my mansion would be grand.  I was certain it was going to be roofless and without a few walls. 

I just assumed it would be there, somewhere on the inside of that wonderful place.

The only problem is that the Bible doesn't teach that.

It teaches a much more beautiful truth.

And I learned it on a night in April - only months from high school graduation. 

A friend invited me to go with her to church, and I said yes.

I still remember what the speaker said.

He started by asking how many people there had told a lie.  He actually asked for a show of hands.  I wasn't about to raise my hand – until I saw everyone else raise theirs.

Then he asked for another show of hands, this time for stealing – even if it was an answer on a homework assignment.  Once again, all hands went up.  Mine included.

This visiting preacher turned to the pastor of the church and said, “Pastor, You have a congregation of liars and thieves!”.  

And we all laughed.

When the laughter died down, he looked at us again and said it was really not a laughing matter.  He showed us how the Bible says in Romans 3:23 that ALL have sinned and “come short” of the glory of God. 

That simply means that our goodness will never be good enough.

At that point, I felt utterly hopeless. I had already blown it before I knew it could be blown. There was no chance of Heaven for me.  Not even in a half finished roofless hut.

While he talked of other things, my mind reeled.  Then, he shared  Romans 5:8 which says that God showed His love (that amazing indescribable love) toward us in that WHILE we were YET sinners, Christ died for us.

God had already made other arrangements.    

“This is how much God loved the world: He gave His Son, His one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. “ 

(John 3:16 – the Message) 

Jesus came to earth and lived the only perfect life so that He could take the punishment for us, and for our sin.

I began to understand the reason for the cross and why He died.  

Why He would die for ME is not something I will ever grasp.  It still overwhelms me.

That night, though, I saw His love differently, and He took my breath away. 

I asked Him to forgive me for the way I was living.  I asked Him to be MY savior. 

To change me. 

To make me His own.

He did all of that and more.  He began a change in my heart that is still ongoing.  He is making me more and more like Him.  How humbling is that?  That one day, this liar and thief will be somehow in some way like Him?

That night was just the beginning of change for me. 

In the next four months I saw my family make the same decisions to follow Christ.  One of my three sisters, the one closest in age to me, asked Jesus to be her Savior at Vacation Bible School.  Two men knelt with my Dad in our living room one night as he invited Christ to make changes in his life and become his Lord.  And one amazing Sunday morning, my mother made the same decision.  Our home life had some major changes take place.  We started going to church together.  My youngest sisters grew up in church.  There were Bibles scattered all around the house.  

And they were read… not just for decoration. 

That one night began making a forever difference for us all. 

Perfection?  Not in this life! 

Just Loved and Forgiven.


                                          _________________________

The Love of God (lyrics to the last verse)
"Could we with ink the ocean fill, and were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill, and every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, though stretched from sky to sky."

                                         __________________________

Have you been counting on your own goodness?  That you will be able to go to Heaven based on having lived a good life?

It won’t ever be good enough.

If it could be, then there would have been no need for a cross … for THE cross.

He is the way for you to get to God.  He is the only way.  He said so Himself.  What you need to do is start by giving up.  Give up trying to live your life your way, admit that you have sinned, and ask Him to give you a new start, a new life, a new heart.  Put your trust in Him and His way…

He loves you so much!

On Patients and their Docs

An important relationship exists between a patient and their doctor. If you don’t feel you can trust them, you might question the suggestions they have for your care.  Trust is crucial.  It doesn’t happen quickly, but this relationship can grow to become one of the most important in your life. 

I have that kind of relationship with my oncologist, but during our initial appointment, I was not so sure.

Her first comments after introducing herself were, “So, tell my why you are here.”

“My primary doctor sent us here.”

“No, I mean what is the reason that you have been sent here, and are sitting in my office?”

“I have some kind of  'metastatic malignancy’.” (at least that was the terminology used on my biopsy report)

“That doesn’t tell me anything!”

And that was all within the first two minutes of shaking hands.

While I wondered what in the world more she wanted from me, she started talking. Really fast!

About tests already done and tests still to be ordered. 

About the possible sources of my cancer, a Cancer of Unknown Primary.

After she examined me our conversation continued, mostly about me and Bud. How did we meet? How long had we been married? I told her how we had met in church, and how our church honors 50^th anniversaries and above by placing the couple’s pictures up on large screens.  I shared how I counted anniversaries backwards; a sort of countdown for how many years we had left until we could get our pictures shown in church. She went on.  Did we have children? Grandchildren?  What about work, what did I do? We talked about our family and our life in general. After setting up the next appointment time and some imaging tests, we left. 

As we were walking out of her office she said, “So we are shooting for 50, right?” 

I’m sorry, but I was already past 50. What was she thinking?

“No!”

Bud however, completely understood where she was going with that question and said, “We want 70”

And then I realized she was talking about our anniversaries.

I walked away from there not knowing any more about this cancer that was threatening our future together, but I knew I loved this doctor.  She got it.  She understood the things that were most important.  Not years lived here on the earth, but years lived together.

For about 18 months, this doctor walked with us through the tests and questions.  She guided us through each treatment and surgical decision and through it all she became more like a friend.  She once said that her goal for us was that we would one day sit on our front porch and wonder where she had retired.

In a few days I will go back for my first 3-month post treatment follow-up appointment, but she will not be there. 

I will see someone else, and it makes me a little nervous. 

Actually it makes me a lot nervous.

Some things there will be so familiar. The friendly faces of the receptionists who check me in, always so kind and sweet. The patient people in the lab who have learned how to get blood from my uncooperative arm, the only option available as the good arm is now out of commission. As usual, the waiting room will have different people, but the hopes and dreams there never change.

And then, we will wait in the most familiar room of all, the room where we will meet with our doctor. The last time I was in that office she told me that I had no signs of cancer.  That I was cancer free.  She said not to even think about cancer unless I was in her office.

I might cry.  I most likely will.

It is a first world problem, I know.  I hope this does not come across as complaining.  Changing a doctor is not a life and death situation.  People do this all the time.

Though it may be trivial, the truth is that I could easily feel that my care might suffer because of the loss of this doctor.  I have grown to put my trust in her, but what I have to remind myself is that my future does not depend on her.  It does not depend on any one person or group of people for that matter.

I know that my wonderful, amazingly brilliant and beautiful oncologist was a gift of overflowing grace from the hands of my loving God.  I also know that the results we have seen were from someone much more powerful than any treatment,

So while I will miss her, I won’t worry (well, I will try not to). 

My care will continue, and the future looks great.

To borrow a truth learned from someone I admire, I know that the amazing ability of an incredibly smart oncologist was never my good. 

The nearness of God is my good.

It always has been.

______

How do you apply the truth of God’s nearness in your own life?  Have you learned to lean on His goodness, to trust Him to meet your needs?  Or do you depend on something or someone else? 

As I learned from reading the writings of Kara Tippetts, it centers on a simple truth in Scripture. Just fill in the blank with anything that you may long for:

“_________________ is not my good…the nearness of God is my good”

In Psalm 73:28 (NAS), the Psalmist said, “But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;  I have made the Lord God my refuge, That I may tell of all Your works.”

A Mingled Yarn

I found out at work. 

It was just before closing on a Friday afternoon, my husband was outside to pick me up  and my primary doctor called with the test results.

He apologized over and over for calling just before the weekend, but he said he did not think I would want to spend the weekend not knowing.

I was glad he called.

It does not matter what issues you are facing in your life-
the time where you find yourself waiting is the hardest.

While I would rather not have known that weekend that I did indeed have cancer, it wouldn't have changed anything.  What I would have done was spend the weekend wondering.

I would have done what I had done all week.

I would tell myself it can’t be cancer.
Then I would tell myself that it had to be cancer.
I would say to myself , “Self, you are going to be just fine”.
Then I would say,, “What if you’re not ?”.

While he talked, I fidgeted – on paper.  I did the only thing I know to do when I am trying to remember what someone is saying.  I wrote notes to myself.  I had to do something or I would have lost my slight resemblance to composure.  So I wrote. I wrote words. I wrote numbers.  I scribbled.

He read the written words from the report, and those words unfeelingly sent my world spinning, All I could think of was getting outside to my husband. I kept wondering what we were going to do.

The report said they did not know the location of the primary tumor.  While that is something I can understand today, at the time the words seemed like a foreign language.  He explained to me that the cancer cells that formed this tumor did not start in my lymph node where the cancer was found.  It had come from somewhere else, and they did not know where the somewhere else was.

So while we knew it was cancer, we did not know what kind of cancer it was.

When I hung up the phone, I was immediately surrounded and hugged by coworkers, and as soon as I could get the words out of my mouth, they started praying.

When I did get outside, I saw my grandchildren in the back seat of the car.  I tried to hold back tears, but my husband knew anyway.  I said, "What are we going to do?".  He said, "We are going to trust God."

God had arranged even the smallest details of the way I found out I had cancer long before the start of this whole chapter in my life.so that  I knew I was enveloped in His care right from the start.

I like using the word chapter to describe an event in my life.  It is a story after all.  And that helps me keep things in perspective. The things happening to us are not just random things, but our lives and the details of our lives have an author.

What is most comforting about the author of our lives, is that the author is not me.

The author is God.  And He is good.  He is good, good, good, good!  Not just some trite phrase, "God is good", kind of good.  But deep in the trenches of fighting the battles that happen in our lives kind of good.

I have learned a lot from the stories of those who have been in those trenches.  People who knew great pain and hardships, and did not keep silent about it, but shared their stories. People like Corrie Ten Boom, Joni Eareckson Tada and Elizabeth Elliot.  People who knew their lives were not just a story in itself, but part of a much larger story of what God was doing in the lives of people.  Things that could not be illustrated with rainbows and butterflies.

We are all the main characters in our own story, hoping for a good end.  Hoping for our own "happily ever after". But in any story, the finale that brings the greatest applause to the author is not always the story that seems kindest to the characters.

Too many times, I have wrestled with the Author for control of the pen. I want to write my own story, one with a safe journey.  If I am honest, I want to remove the hard parts and paint a pretty picture that pleases me. One that could be illustrated with rainbows and butterflies.

Through the years, I am learning that too much is lost when we are the ones controlling the pen.

And having walked some hard paths with the Author, I have come to know Him well.  His love for us is undeniable.  There is no hardship we could ever face that could come between His love for us and our frail weak and selfish beings.

So I trust Him with the pen, and with the end.

And every chapter in between.

_________


"The web of our life is of a single yarn, good and ill together"
William Shakespeare

"Christianity offers the attractions, neither of optimism nor of pessimism. It represents the life of the universe as being very like the mortal life of men on this planet, 'of a mingled yarn, good and ill together'."
C.S. Lewis

Romans 8:38,39
"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love.  Neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.  No power in the sky above nor in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed
in Christ Jesus our Lord"